Dear Coleen
Ever since I was 17, my heart has belonged to the same guy. We were in a relationship for a year until I left high school and joined the Army, but we split because we were going to be living in different parts of the country.
I ended up meeting someone else and marrying him after two years, but then my ex reconnected with me and it became clear I’d choose him over my hubby in a heartbeat, so I got a divorce.
My ex came to visit me and we spent four blissful days with each other and slept together. But when he left he said he wasn’t sure he wanted to jump back into a relationship.
So, I did what any newly divorced 21-year-old girl would do and had fun, and there was one guy I slept with on a pretty consistent basis. My ex didn’t like it, but I figured he wasn’t willing to make a commitment.
Eventually, he decided he did want a relationship, but when I admitted when I’d last slept with someone, he went cold on me, blocked me on social media and wouldn’t return messages.
I then discovered he was in a relationship with someone else and, I’m embarrassed to admit this, but when he rejected me again, I met another guy through the Army and married him after only two weeks.
At first it was great, but I soon realised he was jealous and insecure. He hated me talking to other men and called me pathetic for being diagnosed with depression.
He even barred me from leaving the house when I didn’t want to listen to his insults.
I’ve been married for a year now and feel nothing for him, and can’t stop hoping I’ll find a way back to my ex. But I’m due to leave the Army soon and if I leave this marriage, too, I’ll have no stability. What should I do?
Coleen says
I think you need to learn to love yourself and to be comfortable with you instead of going from guy to guy and marriage to marriage. None of this has been stable and you’ve rushed into it all.
I really think you need some time out of a relationship, finding stability with your friends and family until you can acknowledge that you don’t actually need a man because you’re strong on your own and good enough as you are.
You should choose a partner because you want to be with them and not because they’ll give you stability – none of these relationships have provided that.
Stop looking for excuses to stay in this marriage – it’s not a happy, healthy relationship. Don’t be with a man who puts you down and tries to control you.
If you don’t get out of it, you’ll get to a point where you’ll lose all self-esteem and you won’t feel able to leave.
For once, focus on yourself – you don’t need validation from men that you’re worth something.