Dear Coleen
My older sister and I have always had a difficult relationship – she’s always resented me – but we pulled together after our mum had a stroke and was diagnosed with dementia in 2019.
Mum lived a few doors down from me and I saw her every day.
I often cooked meals to share with her and spent many evenings keeping her company.
Then in March, Mum had a heart attack and, while visiting her in hospital, my niece and I had a sharp exchange of views over me leaving my dog in the car.
I didn’t think much of it, but later I got a vitriolic text from my sister, saying her daughter was in pieces and Mum was extremely upset.
I stuck up for myself politely, but from then on received hateful messages from my sister and niece.
Things have deteriorated since. My sister took Mum to her house without telling me and I’ve hardly spoken to her since. Her beloved cat was given to a neighbour and I got notification from the Office of the Public Guardian that Mum had removed me as an attorney for health, care and financial affairs. I am certain this could only have been driven by my sister.
A few days ago I walked through Mum’s garden as a shortcut to the park only to be told by her neighbour that the house had been sold and the new owners had moved in.
I have no idea why I’m being shut out like this and I’m concerned my sister is abusing her power over Mum to turn her against me.
What’s more, Mum made out her will at my sister’s house and I think my sister may have manipulated things to her own advantage.
I miss seeing my mum and I don’t think I deserve this treatment.
I hope you can advise me about how I should approach this.
Coleen says
I can’t give you legal advice in terms of your mum’s finances and will, but it might be a good idea to have an initial chat with a solicitor and set out your worries. Explain you’re concerned about being shut out of decisions and worried that your mum might be being duped or manipulated.
Other good sources of information are citizensadvice.org.uk and ageuk.org.uk. You could also seek advice from your GP and local social services.
Not all families deal with issues around elderly relatives in a kind way, and sadly some people might see an opportunity to manipulate the situation to their advantage.
I’m not saying your sister is doing that but maybe she wants to be in control and feels strongly she knows best when it comes to your mum.
From what you’ve said, there doesn’t seem much point in trying to reason with your sister directly, although it’s always worth a try if you think you can remain calm.
But I wonder if there’s someone else in the family, or even a family friend, who could mediate and help you get to a point where you can communicate for the sake of your mum?