Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my wife for nearly 10 years and, recently, I discovered she’d been having an affair with a guy I know as an acquaintance.
To cut a long story short, she came clean, said it had been going on for a couple of years, but with gaps, and said she didn’t know whether she wanted to be with either of us.
We don’t have kids, which seems a blessing in this situation.
What I’m having trouble getting my head around is that she blamed me for her affair. She claimed if I’d been a better husband and our relationship had been better, she wouldn’t have looked elsewhere.
She said I was boring and didn’t show affection – and other things that really hurt. But the bottom line is, I couldn’t believe she had the arrogance to blame me for something she did.
We’re still living in the same house, but we have talked about living apart, although we seem to be at stalemate.
She hasn’t seen the other guy in a while – he’s divorced with kids.
I’d like your thoughts.
Coleen says
Well, I do think she has a point in that most affairs are a symptom of something wrong in the relationship as opposed to the cause.
However, I don’t know why she didn’t feel able to discuss these issues with you and give you both the chance to work things out instead of having an affair.
If you haven’t asked her this, you should. Plenty of relationships hit trouble, but not everyone opts for an affair.
She’s blaming you because it’s easier than facing the guilt and taking some responsibility for what happened.
I think you have to decide whether you want to try to repair things with your wife or move on from the marriage.
It doesn’t sound as if she knows what she wants at the moment, so perhaps relationship counselling would be a good idea. It can either help you work through the issues and stay together or it can help to ease a separation. (Try relate.org.uk.)
When a relationship runs into trouble, it’s rarely the fault of one partner.
Counselling would give you the opportunity to air your grievances in a safe space. It is possible to move on from an affair, but it needs commitment from both of you, so she needs to cut ties with this other guy if she hasn’t already.