Dear Coleen
One evening back in the summer, I went for an after-work drink with a female colleague. While we were sitting in the pub garden, I spotted one of my oldest friends and invited him to join us. I introduced him to my colleague and we sat together, chatting and drinking for about an hour before going our separate ways.
I’ve known my friend for 20 years (we met on the first day at high school) and we have met up regularly for a drink, an afternoon at the football and various parties and meals with our partners. The meetings were, of course, much rarer since the start of the lockdowns and he was also very busy in his key worker role.
I’d hoped to catch up with him once the November lockdown was over, but he said he was “too busy with work” and would try to catch up with me in the new year.
I didn’t think any more of it until a few days before Christmas when I dropped by his house with presents for his children.
His wife came to the door in tears and said: “I’m surprised you’ve shown your face round here. You and that bitch you work with have wrecked our lives!”
She shut the door in my face, leaving me totally stunned. I tried ringing the bell to get some clarification, but she shouted at me to go away, so I left. I had no idea what was going on.
Then I discovered my friend had been in a relationship with my work colleague since the late summer and had left his wife and children to live with her prior to the November lockdown. I had no idea and still don’t know what actually went on, but what worries (and hurts) me is that I’ve been dragged into it and cast in the role of a marriage wrecker. All I did was to introduce two people out of politeness.
Coleen says
As old-fashioned as this sounds, why not write a letter to his wife, explaining you had no idea about the affair and you don’t condone what happened.
You might not hear from her again, but it might help you get it off your chest and feel you’ve cleared your name and can move on from it.
You may have to accept the friendship’s done, but you know you’ve done nothing wrong and his decision to have an affair is not your fault.
You’re obviously feeling worried, angry and maybe even guilty, but you shouldn’t. It sounds like your friend might have used you as an excuse to try to offload some of his guilt.
His wife is also looking for someone to blame and unleash her anger on, and she’s lashing out at you instead of her husband.
Honestly, I’d leave them to deal with it and, if you do write a letter, leave it at that and don’t get more involved.