Dear Coleen
Over the past year I have been rather switched off from my marriage. I’ve been in this relationship for nearly 10 years and have an 18-month-old baby. I developed post-traumatic stress as a result of childbirth, but I’ve been discharged recently.
I am feeling so much more myself and, as a result, actually feel like I have a lot missing in my relationship.
I would like another child, but my husband wouldn’t, which is a massive issue for me. I also don’t feel loved or that I get much affection from him.
I do think a lot of his issues are as a result of almost two years of our normal relationship being disturbed by my mental health issues.
I am not one to condone cheating, but I have been talking to a colleague for almost a year now and there’s a clear sexual attraction. We are close, but nothing has happened physically.
I don’t want to leave my husband, but I do find myself questioning my reasons to stay.
In the past, I’ve had relationships with girls, too, and I have a longing for female attention. I never wanted to be in a long-term relationship with a woman, as I always wanted to marry a man and have children naturally.
I feel like getting over my mental health struggles has found me reconnecting with my true self and I feel so confused by it.
Do I leave? Will I find anyone else? Will he come round to having more children? Am I being selfish? I feel like I need a lot of answers!
Coleen says
First of all, I’m not sure you should be thinking about another baby while you have so many other issues whirring around your brain.
You’re questioning your relationship with your hubby, you’re flirting with a colleague, you have questions around your sexuality – another baby isn’t going to fix any of that. If anything, it’ll just add more stress.
It’s been a hard year for everyone, but having a baby and suffering PTSD from the trauma of childbirth adds even more pressure.
Your husband is probably worried about how another baby will affect you physically and mentally, and how it’ll impact your marriage, too.
Maybe it feels like too much too soon and he doesn’t want to risk your health and wellbeing at the moment.
It doesn’t sound like you’ve had a proper discussion around your marriage – what isn’t right and what’s changed for both of you since your child was born. The first step is to have an honest conversation and it may take a few attempts, so don’t give up.
Of course what you’ve been through has made you revaluate what you want out of life and perhaps you think: “Am I actually happy?”
But I think it’s an error to make loads of big decisions in one go. Address your marriage first and don’t get distracted by this colleague. Put everything down on paper in order of priorities and deal with them one by one.
And remember, having another baby right now is probably scary for your husband after what you’ve both been through. You have to take his feelings into account, too.