Dear Coleen
I need your advice on how I can make my marriage work after I had an affair with a work colleague.
I ended it recently and confessed to my husband after the guy I was seeing started getting really heavy, wanting me to end my marriage to be with him.
For me, it was only ever about fun and sex, and a distraction from real life, but to him it obviously meant much more.
He’s accepted my decision now, but the trouble is we still work quite closely together and are both key workers, so see each other all the time which is awkward.
To be fair, my husband has been amazing. Naturally, he was very upset and angry, but wants to make the marriage work and was generous enough to say that he’s not blameless and has made mistakes in the past, although he’s never had an affair.
He wants me to leave my job, though, which I don’t want to do – I’ve worked so hard to get where I am after retraining and, especially in this economic climate, I don’t want to look for an alternative.
He won’t budge on it, even though I’ve said it’s completely over with this guy. I’ve erased his numbers and I only talk to
him about work-related matters. Is my husband right – what do you think?
Coleen says
I think if you’re going to make a proper go of your marriage, it’s going to be hard on your relationship if you’re in contact with the other guy every day.
It’s going to be very difficult for your husband to trust you and not to worry about what’s going on at work.
So, I think you have to cut him off completely if you’re serious about rebuilding your marriage.
I know it’s not easy to just get another job, especially at the moment, but I think you should start having a look at what’s around to demonstrate to your husband that you’re serious about making the marriage work.
You also need to confront why you were vulnerable to this affair – did you find in him what’s lacking in your marriage? Are you in a rut, has sex slipped off the agenda?
These are questions you can work through in relationship therapy, which you can now do online.
It’s really up to you to work hard at rebuilding your husband’s trust if you love him and want to remain in your marriage with him.