Dear Coleen
The recent letter from a woman whose boyfriend is freezing her out because she can’t say “I love you” back to him reminded me of my situation, except I’m the boyfriend.
I’ve been with my partner for over four years and, when I tell her I love her, all I get back is, “Well, that’s good then”. Only very occasionally will she say it back to me and it gets to a point every couple of months where it drives me to distraction.
Also, I’m becoming more frustrated since she decided to call off our wedding. We bought a house together and I did so with the expectation that we were planning to marry. However, days after the sale went through she stopped talking about the wedding.
As time went on, I tried to talk to her about missing our chance to get refunds for the things we’d already booked, but she refused to discuss it. Eventually, the wedding day came and went, and we lost all the money we’d sunk into it – yet she still won’t talk about it or even really acknowledge it.
If you review her social media, it’s like I don’t exist in her life. I’m only really known to her family and a handful of her closest friends. She just says she’s a private person, yet is obsessed by what others are posting.
She posts pictures of herself and her mum online but she’ll never post a photo of the two of us together.
I love this girl so much, but my sanity is taking a battering.
Can you advise?
Coleen says
Yes, I think you need to stand up for yourself in this relationship or walk away. I’m astonished that she can just ignore the fact your wedding day came and went, and still refuses to discuss it. It seems incredibly arrogant – it’s as if she knows she can behave as badly as she likes and you’ll still be there.
I’m afraid if you are in a relationship with someone, closing yourself off andrefusing to communicate just isn’t an option.
You’ve been beyond reasonable, but it’s time to be straight with her about what you need. She ought to start by explaining her behaviour over the wedding arrangements and where she sees the relationship going when she seems so completely unwilling to commit to you.
Right now, the relationship seems stuck in limbo. Also, actions speak louder than words sometimes, and maybe it’s time to suggest a break from the relationship, so you can both do some soul-searching and work out what you want.
Maybe your fiancee was hurt or let down badly in a previous relationship, so she is testing your loyalty – but to the extreme.
If that’s the case, she’d benefit from counselling to work through these issues, so she doesn’t sabotage what you two have together or any other relationship in the future.